Sometimes, my mind can be so full of fragmented thoughts. Each minute ushering in a different thing to think about. As I try and be still, I notice different anxieties bubbling up. “After prayer, should I read in preparation for Monday? How does that mark the time I specifically set aside for this retreat? What about this day of fasting? How do I even begin to engage with trying to set this type apart if I label it rather than just doing it….but how do I do it…aren’t I supposed to just be? Can being be fun?!” I used to love retreats. I started going on them monthly when I was undergoing some pretty deep transformations. It was a refuge in the storm, an oasis in the desert. My soul drank deeply from the waters in this “sanctuary,” dedicated to creating space for persons to nurture and commune with the Holy. Now that I am engaged, really blossoming as a person, excited to have just moved to Van, it seems that these things could be clashing with what I previously knew and experienced from retreats. Some of the same elements are there: being in my room, listening to stillness, enjoying the snow-tipped mountainous view from my window, a simple diet.
But, I feel as though I almost do not know how to be still. How to engage with God. I had one year where I slowed down and drank deeply. Each of the past four years, since, seems to have became a bit faster, finally doing a big crescendo and having a finality with meltdowns and all this past December! I just wanted my world to stop. With the world slowing, at least I could then reflect upon the different memories created from the family vacations in Germany, Minnesota, Texas, Illinois…all in the past month! I would be able to enjoy the process of saying good-bye to California to say a warm welcome to British Columbia. On my last day of work, even though the workers were almost too busy to remember, at least I could have had friends or family give congratulatory remarks. How could they when I didn’t have time to call and just touch base? And to add another layer of jubilee from the holiday travel over the past month, I became engaged! I am one for ideals, and so it can be challenging to engage practically with the world when I know it can be different because I’ve experienced that difference, but that the stillness can’t possibly exist for prolonged amount of time in the chaos.
While I have set this time apart, and specifically this day for engaging with idea of being married, it seems that I need to allow for flexibility and grace. For one, it seems these ramblings have more to deal with detoxifying from travels than celebrating the experience of this new season. Perhaps I’m closer to that than before. Lord, please show me how to do just that. In your mercy, hear my prayers. Lord, teach me to quiet my heart. To draw closer to you. To hear the quiet heartbeat of your spirit. God, almighty God, thank you that you love. In creation, may I see you. In the details, may I hear creation cry out in praise to you. May I feel a sense of connection and awareness that ushers in more complete and rooted thoughts, flowing out of a heart of contentment and peace.
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