My head is a bit cloudy. Okay a lot. I just found myself at the post office, having already written Jonathan’s address on an envelope I was about to pay for, without my purse. So I promised the postman I’d come back tomorrow, and in return, the post office is keeping the empty envelope safe under the counter…
Jonathan left for England this morning. The past day was so intense, let alone the week being incredibly compact. Add a birthday and a move…and you get a whirlwind. Trying to feel when there’s no time. When there’s so much going on…we did the best we could. I did the best I could. (But I’m still trying to wonder what I feel!) Granted that we started with a 8 months of distance, followed by 10 months of living across the street, you’d think that the next 9 (apart) should be a breeze. But the reality, is that this little heart has been through the ringer, or at least it *feels* like it has, and it’s tired.
I am a novice with love. I look at others and imagine if they were going through this, I’m sure there’d be smiles all around, a bounce in the step even though it’s a time of sadness, etc. Why can’t I be one of those people? I never thought I was one of these persons. Perhaps one reason there is heaviness is because Jonathan and I are still holding our relationship with an open-hand in regards to the future. At the time of processing decisions in March and throughout the summer, it seemed better for me to stay here and for him to go. Mainly, because yours truly didn’t want to move again when I had just moved to a place (for him;)…and we were still figuring things out. Granted, we’re further along in that process now than we were before because of time! Biking to and from work everyday, grabbing coffee during our breaks, running, having reading parties, we wouldn’t have had those memories if we were planning for a wedding. I’m extremely thankful for the loads of time I’ve had and have realized that they contribute immensely to our infrastructure that we’re building. At the end of the day, we’ll figure if it’s strong enough for a longer haul…So we’re learning how to do this delicate dance…and somehow move forward with a lightness of heart. 
…Alas. My work day is coming to a close, and I should be heading off of here…or I mean I should stop “managing my downtime” now. Until tomorrow.
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