I’ve spent the last twenty minutes trying to see if I could change my URL to “Till We Are…Skinny.” Not skinny as in let me shed pounds of flubber or skinny as in I need a tall iced latte skinny. Skinny as in I want to be skinny on the inside. Yes, inside.
Perhaps this is the second thing you see when you look at yourself in the mirror. It’s the disconnection between the inner self and the outer self. The chasm between wanting to do something and DOING something. I always associated the inner and outer life with spirituality, and perhaps I was naive to think that it was strictly limited to probably the traditional understanding of “spirituality.” This would look like a few lit candles, sitting in a room and…” emptying out all that is within” or…just praying or doing whatever people usually do in that situation. I guess as I probe myself more and reflect on some theological things, I’d like to think that spiritually transcends life in all areas. And so, if I want my inner and outer life to be in a beautiful equilibrium, well, then, it means that ideally, everything that I’d want to do, be good at, pursue, etc., would happen.
Why then is it not? I can only speak personally here, and not for the rest of the blogosphere, but is it because we actually have pounds of “fat” on the inside that we need to get rid of? Has flubber been packed on when we were hurt by a friend on the school yard, had a close friend pass, experienced dysfunctionality in the home life…fear of failure? Could inside rolls be past down from generation to generation until one person stands up and revolts…altering that “DNA”? I’m still thinking about this, but in the meantime, I am striving to be “skinny.” Skinny in the sense that I have goals, desires, pursuits, and I want to live! I’m sure anyone would say, “But Jessica…you are!” And I thank you for that! But really…I’m not. Or rather, I feel I am not as doing that as efficiently as I could be. In the osmosis process, the inner flub creates a thick layer that slows down the process from desire to action. Today though, I lost a pound or two. I came outside on a beautiful day, caught some sun, and wrote. Tomorrow, I hope to shed another.
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