With all of their “millions of light years” in between the next particles of matter, all contained within this massive, spacious universe, I was drawn into a deeper feeling of wonderment (especially since I also was conscious of my present state of kneeling on my wooden floor and crouched over my bed = smallness).

Two thoughts arose:

1. How unworthy I am that he would even consider me a thought (let alone a value…but perhaps a thought to him automatically = value?).
2. The grace that I must walk in (and never really “tap” into) every moment (which then adds another layer of grace that I don’t tap into…)

I had this strange, warm feeling that perhaps it’s this exact posture of recognition and awe that I should live in throughout my day.  A type of quiet harmony that exudes and permeates my thoughts and actions.

Today, I came across a beautifully adapted prayer, originally by Martin Luther King, Jr. (1929-1968).  I am inspired by this man because, out of anyone I know (or have come to “know” through history), he is the most like Jesus to me.  While those two men both lived in the past and in different times, MLK helps me to grasp the love that Jesus must have shown.  A couple of months ago, I watched the documentary Soundtrack for a Revolution and was floored by how recent those horrific events were in our culture and by how casual those events were digested by society shown on the nightly news, campaigned against in commercials, and read about in flyers.  How peace was confronted with violence day in and day out…and how the young and noble Martin Luther King, Jr. relentlessly encouraged and advocated for peace in perseverance.

“O God, our heavenly Father, we thank you for this golden privilege to worship you, the only true God of the universe.  We come to you today grateful that you have kept us through the long night of the past and ushered us into the challenge of the present and the bright hope of the future.  We are mindful, O God, that we cannot save ourselves, for “man is not the measure” of things and humanity is not God.

Bound by our chains of sin and finiteness, we know we need a savior.  Help us never to let anyone or any condition pull us so low as to cause us to hate.  Give us the strength to love our enemies and do good to those who despitefully use us and persecute us.

We thank you for your Church, founded upon the Word that challenges us to sing and pray and go and work.  Then, finally, help us to realize that we were created to shine like the stars and live on through all eternity.

Keep us, we pray, in perfect peace, help us to walk together, pray together, sing together, and live together until that day when all of God’s children will rejoice in one common band of humanity in the kingdom of our Lord and of our God, we pray.  Amen.”

But, I feel as though I almost do not know how to be still.  How to engage with God.  I had one year where I slowed down and drank deeply.  Each of the past four years, since, seems to have became a bit faster, finally doing a big crescendo and having a finality with meltdowns and all this past December!  I just wanted my world to stop.  With the world slowing, at least I could then reflect upon the different memories created from the family vacations in Germany, Minnesota, Texas, Illinois…all in the past month!  I would be able to enjoy the process of saying good-bye to California to say a warm welcome to British Columbia.  On my last day of work, even though the workers were almost too busy to remember, at least I could have had friends or family give congratulatory remarks.  How could they when I didn’t have time to call and just touch base?  And to add another layer of jubilee from the holiday travel over the past month, I became engaged!  I am one for ideals, and so it can be challenging to engage practically with the world when I know it can be different because I’ve experienced that difference, but that the stillness can’t possibly exist for prolonged amount of time in the chaos.

While I have set this time apart, and specifically this day for engaging with idea of being married, it seems that I need to allow for flexibility and grace.  For one, it seems these ramblings have more to deal with detoxifying from travels than celebrating the experience of this new season.  Perhaps I’m closer to that than before.  Lord, please show me how to do just that.  In your mercy, hear my prayers.  Lord, teach me to quiet my heart.  To draw closer to you.  To hear the quiet heartbeat of your spirit.  God, almighty God, thank you that you love.  In creation, may I see you.  In the details, may I hear creation cry out in praise to you.  May I feel a sense of connection and awareness that ushers in more complete and rooted thoughts, flowing out of a heart of contentment and peace.

Many people think giving takes a lot. What if it actually didn’t? What if it required a rearrangement, a reshuffling of sorts: desires, time, comforts – at least for a little while – to enable others to have their real needs met such as clean water? For my 28th birthday, I want it to be about others, not me. So today, I joined Charity: Water and started my own campaign to bring fresh, clean water to people.  I’ve set a goal of raising $2,800 by February 6, 2009!  This will build half of a well.  While it’s not a huge amount, I believe it is something that is attainable!

So what to give up to give back? I already try to live simply, but I do indulge in espressos quite frequently. Instead of sipping on one almost each afternoon, I’m going to put that change towards providing persons with clean water. Would you be willing to forgo a convenience, donate that towards this campaign to help change lives in dramatic ways? Whether this means, giving up the daily latte, biking to work for a part of the week, or switching from organic to conventional foods for a few days, I believe we could make a difference together!

Check out some of the videos on my campaign site to see what change is already happening because of Charity: Water and people like ourselves.

This time that I am in…seems to be bringing some type of newness.  I am excited to let fresh air blow through my heart and mind.  For time to grow what is real and for time to let things pass that aren’t.  Today coming home, I lit a few candles, played Rosie Thomas’ Only With Laughter and When We Were Small and phoned a dear friend I hadn’t talked to in ages.  One of those friends you talk with once or twice a year, wishing it was more, but somehow, even though that doesn’t happen, you’re both able to mysteriously jump back into things immediately.  It was wonderful to hear that extra bounce in her voice from a newfound love, and also other updates, i.e. finishing up her grad program after quite a few years off.  Probably most of all, I loved some of her wittiness that filled out her comments.  After sharing how sometimes I need to shut my brain off from processing, she assured me that it was a woman’s right to do that in a lovely tone that was like a flamenco dancer twirling around and ending with a quick whip of her dress.  Fair enough.

I shared with her about my garden.  About the joy it had brought me.  While I talked briefly about it, I appreciated that she got it, i.e. why it was dear to me.  Or selfishly, I was thankful that she shared my perspective of the land – of using our hands to bring about scripture in an incarnate way.  The dirt in the land having something to offer, something to give to others and something deserving to be cared for because it exists and because man does have a relationship with the terra in a biological and even meta-physical type of way.  I expressed how I was excited to use this space and time for prayer in a deeply quiet sort of way.  “My soul feels like it’s almost being pulled out of me.  Like God is beckoning me to spend time with him…just being…in my garden.”

By the time we got off the phone about an hour and a half passed, laughter had infused the air like a beautiful bouquet of flowers while deeper thoughts added dimension, color, clarity, and quality to our lengthy conversation.  …Breathing deeply, I inhaled the refreshing nutrients a dear friend can give.

Talking to her was a perfect way to round out that Vancouverish feeling inside me as she, ironically, currently resides in Vancouver.  I’m looking forward to riding to work tomorrow morning, hearing the dry and crispy leaves blow across the road, feeling the wind tumble over my nose, cheeks and eyes, and inhaling it into my lungs…all while wearing a Lululemon jacket I splurged on after work.

Jonathan left for England this morning.  The past day was so intense, let alone the week being incredibly compact.  Add a birthday and a move…and you get a whirlwind.  Trying to feel when there’s no time.  When there’s so much going on…we did the best we could.  I did the best I could.  (But I’m still trying to wonder what I feel!)  Granted that we started with a 8 months of distance, followed by 10 months of living across the street, you’d think that the next 9 (apart) should be a breeze.  But the reality, is that this little heart has been through the ringer, or at least it *feels* like it has, and it’s tired.

I am a novice with love.  I look at others and imagine if they were going through this, I’m sure there’d be smiles all around, a bounce in the step even though it’s a time of sadness, etc.  Why can’t I be one of those people?  I never thought I was one of these persons.  Perhaps one reason there is heaviness is because Jonathan and I are still holding our relationship with an open-hand in regards to the future.  At the time of processing decisions in March and throughout the summer, it seemed better for me to stay here and for him to go.  Mainly, because yours truly didn’t want to move again when I had just moved to a place (for him;)…and we were still figuring things out.  Granted, we’re further along in that process now than we were before because of time!  Biking to and from work everyday, grabbing coffee during our breaks, running, having reading parties, we wouldn’t have had those memories if we were planning for a wedding.  I’m extremely thankful for the loads of time I’ve had and have realized that they contribute immensely to our infrastructure that we’re building.  At the end of the day, we’ll figure if it’s strong enough for a longer haul…So we’re learning how to do this delicate dance…and somehow move forward with a lightness of heart.

…Alas.  My work day is coming to a close, and I should be heading off of here…or I mean I should stop “managing my downtime” now.  Until tomorrow.

I have had some cool things happen though!  For starters, I actually landed a job in the economy.  One that pays decently well.  I held off accepting a Starbuckers job for $7 an hour because I knew I could find something better than that for full-time work.  Heck, I realize the economy is a shit-hole, but seriously, I’m in Silicon Valley for crying out loud.  So far so good (knocking on wood as I write…)

Another thing is that my boyfriend and I post-poned any real actions for marriage for at least awhile.  All is a good thing though!  So no worries there.  He’s heading to Oxford in the fall, and I’ll stay here.  At my lovely reception position.   It’ll be an interesting journey, but we are both actually excited for this new growth, whatever it may bring.  I’m sure I’ll have more posts about it…one already comes to mind about some realizations of myself…interesting how relationships seems to bring out areas to grow in…and also, how beautiful that growth can be!

So as you can imagine, after moving around to, on average, one major city/year and a half, I haven’t head consistent doctors.  Heck, I actually think I stopped going because I was never (knocking on wood again) sick with more than the common cold (or the weird ‘common’ cold where you also lose your voice for about 5 days).  So after having starting a great job with great insurance, I have begun to book appointments with doctors for general exams.  Yesterday was with the eye doctor…today with an MD.  The eye exam can be another entry.  Today, I want to focus on one thing from my general check-up that made me run 6+ miles with hills mind you.

We were talking about thryoid stuff, as I just want to see how those levels are doing, and I was mentioning that I was quite surprised I haven’t been losing weight since I’m Miss Active all of a sudden.  I have a 30 minute round-trip daily bike commute+running about three times a week+tennis or good walk/hike here and there.  Granted, in the past couple of months, I probably have done all of that in a week just a handful of times because I was recovering from an injury, so I’m sure when I was speaking to him I was exaggerating slightly.  But still, I felt for some reason it was ‘true’ and ran with it.  Oh, and I also mentioned that I had trained for a marathon in the fall while doing bikram yoga, and dropped weight like no other.  (FYI – wasn’t in it for the weight, just to actually get in shape and push myself!)  Of course, his response made perfect sense:  your body has plateaued.  Mix it up.  Cross train.  Your body has to feel like it’s dying to actually change.  No wonder why I came to love that feeling I had in the fall.  This absolute tremendous feeling of pushing yourself so hard, that you have to eat and sleep, or lie around to recover.  It went perfect with grad studies…

Earlier in the day, I emailed my Jonathan to say I was taking the day off.  I’d run tomorrow to give my body a day of recovery.  I ran Monday about 3.2 miles- enjoyed it while pushing and having negative splits!  (Plus the 30 minute bike commute.)  Tuesday – hiked The Dish (a hilly open area of land) with a friend – 3.7 mile loop + bike commute.  So it was normal for me to want a day of rest.  However, to be honest, my muscles seemed fine, perhaps slightly tired but really okay.  After Mr. Awesome Doctor said I needed to push myself to feel change, something switched in me.  I wanted to keep pushing myself for the mere fact to push myself.  I had come to like that feeling, and just because I wasn’t perhaps ‘training’ for something officially, I still wanted to have it.

So, yours truly after her bike commute, ran 6.5 miles and I am very happily to report there were hills in that course.  Let’s see…1, 2, 3, 4, 5.  Five.  I was so proud of myself.  I only stopped twice – once midway through the first hill for a few seconds.  I psyched myself out…and reminded myself I was passed by a little boy on the way up…so said to myself, “I still have energy to try.”  So I tried.  I made it up.  I stopped at the little flat area for a few seconds looking a head to the steepest hill on the loop.  I made mental notes of markers to look at and run to – a tree, then a bush, then a sign.  Pretty soon I passed each one.  Once I got to the top, I walked for about .3 miles to make sure my heart wasn’t going to pop out of my shirt, and then ran the rest of the way.  Each each hill had their own mental game to play, i.e. reminding myself I actually liked hill #3, pacing myself with hill #4 and #5.  And actually, there are 6 hills now that I replay everything in my mind.  Hill #6 is right at the end, right when you want to be done and yet you’re so close but NOT DONE.  My endurance kicked in, I opened my stride and imagined where I’d be in another couple of miles.  Home.  I was half way…then three-quarters, and finally over that hill.

The run down to the start of the course, and the last 1.5 miles were great.  I actually thought I’d walk mile 6 as I only planned on running between 4 and 5.  When I heard the course was 6+, I thought, “Well, I can still try.”  I tried and accomplished it!  Now my pace wasn’t the greatest…averaged about 10 minute miles, but hey…I tried on a day when I mentally had checked out before…and it was one of my greatest runs in a while!

Cheers to yours!

Perhaps this is the second thing you see when you look at yourself in the mirror.  It’s the disconnection between the inner self and the outer self.  The chasm between wanting to do something and DOING something.  I always associated the inner and outer life with spirituality, and perhaps I was naive to think that it was strictly limited to probably the traditional understanding of “spirituality.”  This would look like a few lit candles, sitting in a room and…” emptying out all that is within” or…just praying or doing whatever people usually do in that situation.  I guess as I probe myself more and reflect on some theological things, I’d like to think that spiritually transcends life in all areas.  And so, if I want my inner and outer life to be in a beautiful equilibrium, well, then, it means that ideally, everything that I’d want to do, be good at, pursue, etc., would happen.

Why then is it not?  I can only speak personally here, and not for the rest of the blogosphere, but is it because we actually have pounds of “fat” on the inside that we need to get rid of?  Has flubber been packed on when we were hurt by a friend on the school yard, had a close friend pass, experienced dysfunctionality in the home life…fear of failure?  Could inside rolls be past down from generation to generation until one person stands up and revolts…altering that “DNA”?  I’m still thinking about this, but in the meantime, I am striving to be “skinny.”  Skinny in the sense that I have goals, desires, pursuits, and I want to live!  I’m sure anyone would say, “But Jessica…you are!”  And I thank you for that!  But really…I’m not.  Or rather, I feel I am not as doing that as efficiently as I could be.  In the osmosis process, the inner flub creates a thick layer that slows down the process from desire to action.  Today though, I lost a pound or two.  I came outside on a beautiful day, caught some sun, and wrote.  Tomorrow, I hope to shed another.