Till We Are

“According to Plato, humans long for union with the ultimate goal of our contemplation–the vision of the true Beauty–the Divine, which is the source of the reflected beauty that we see. our longing for this union leads to action. Beauty does not passively work on us but stirs us up to strive for this union. While we strive, we are transformed: as we progress toward the goal, we are gradually shaped in its own image. It’s not like a magical spell, changing us in a single ‘poof.’ The external eye is attracted to an external beauty at first, but subsequently the inner eye recognized the universal quality of beauty itself, and the initial attraction turns to love. Attraction initially and finally love provide the energy that draws us onward and upward, but the aim is perfection, a combination of both goodness and truth. In this pursuit, we are taken outside of ourselves and oriented to the ‘other.’ The beauty that we first see, then seek, is beyond us, even though we are born with the innate ability to recognize it (since we also possess it in some measure)….progression lies first in the attraction of the object for the observer, next in the relationship that emerges between the two, and finally in the recognition that both attraction and relationship are dependent upon the ultimate source of beauty itself. Beauty is not the goal or highest reality; its source, the Good, is. Our aspirations are, ultimately, toward the Good…For Augustine the original attraction of the beautiful was the evidence of divine grace, irresistible, magnetic and salvific; it was God-initiated, not human-willed. The power of our recognition stems from the fact that we are created in the image of God, and so share in a marred but original beauty. However, Augustine would add, we need to transcend attraction to beautiful things in creation and focus on the ultimate source of that beauty. Otherwise we are misled or seduced by something that finally cannot content us. Beauty does not satisfy but draws us. It intimates, evokes, and draws us in or out. The model thus acts as a kind of guide, but we must not stop there; we must recognize the quality of beauty that it shares with other beautiful things in the world, and then with the transcendent ideal to beauty itself. The movement from the particular to the general and finally to the ideal is what keeps us from falling into idolatry. Remaining attracted only to the created things of this world can only frustrate us, since they are finite and will fail us as themselves alone.”

I’m reading a chapter in Robin M. Jensen’s book The Substance of Things Seen: Art, Faith and the Christian Community entitled, “Visual Art and Spiritual Formation in Christian Tradition.” I am particular moved by this quote as I myself am navigating through thoughts of what deems love to be love. What is good and wholesome and what is not and are signs of two hearts not becoming one? I particular like the line, “The external eye is attracted to an external beauty at first, but subsequently the inner eye recognizes the universal quality of beauty itself, and the initial attraction turns to love.” Could this love be the love that transcends performance or skill and sees right through it, as if not seeing that at all, to heart of the individual? Seeing what is good in the heart and journeying with it to something better? I believe that is the essence of love that’s found in the core of our souls in the pursuit for another. This is not a “here and now so I can enter in” frame of mind, but a “here and not yet” that ever draws us into a posture of humility and seeking forward with the other in hand. From there, perhaps all the better things grow making the ‘everydayness’ of life fun, freeing and beautifully sustainable.

i feel like i’m in a cocoon…

g r o o o w i n g

sleepzzzzing

at times s qU I rm InG (do butterfly larvae do this?)

introverted.  (i’m surprised i received a ‘high’ score of a 1, as an E, on the Myers-Briggs.)

INTRospeCTIVE

awed at the Process

blOSSOMING

…while finding it ironic that i sleep in a cocoon-shaped MEC sleeping bag.

Today was a hallmark day: a culmination of a lot of growth from the past four year from engaging with reality, honesty and humility.

The past four years began with me realizing incongruities in my life and taking steps to discover who I was by who I was not.  I sat and processed those thoughts for awhile.  I then entered a time of seeking reality.  If I previously was not living in reality, then where was I living or what was I living under?  Where do I seek it…?

During that quest, I moved to different cities.  It was in LA that I somehow sought reality through unreality.  Of course, I only saw this in hindsight.  This part of the journey allowed me to engage reality and ‘play’ with it.  About a year later, I moved to Chicago to engage further on that path.  This was good for my soul.  I then remained for another 12 months there and basked in that sabbath year while being drenched in the richness of community.

Through this, I was then ready to re-enter the space I previously was in that began this so-called journey.  A journey that included meeting some wonderful people that I hope I will know for the remaining time.  One in particular helped spur on in an even deeper part of my inner journey: engaging in honesty which was necessary to remain and thrive in reality.

So why was today a hallmark?  To others, it may seem insignificant, but to me it was a milestone.  Today, moments ago, I turned in my registration form that will allow me to complete a Diploma of Christian Studies rather than a Masters in that field.  It’s humbling to me to think that a one year degree has taken four, actually make the five.  Four years ago I started, and I’m entering the fifth.  Actually, I take everything back: make that four and a half.  (And I’m a math minor…)

There were a few reasons in particular that I came to conclude this.  First, this choice involved seeing reality than continuing on in ambiguity of the Masters program.  When I first enrolled, I didn’t really have a clear cut answer, nor do I have one now.  What I have seen, is that I need and desire to learn more!  I simply don’t have anything to contribute at this time - and rather than outputting for the sake of outputting…I want to input input input.  As my Reading Theory prof in undergrad once said, “You have to have input to have output.”  I desire output, but I’m afraid that I need inputinputinput first, and I’m excited for that.  So starting was always ambiguous, which one would think it may have been clear cut or why start?  That’s something I’ve also am processing.  What was I exactly thinking…?  I pressed on, though, and at times through the past few days, still wanted to press on simply because it’s a “Masters” degree.  For those enneagrammers, that was such the three in me to think…The reality is, though, I’m such a learner, i.e I need to do a lot of learning!  Even if I, for lack of a better word but appropriate, bullshitted by way through the program (as an unredeemed three would do) deep down I still wouldn’t feel adequate in knowledge and what that degree represented.  I would feel very much that I would be feeding my artificial self or, as what Brennan Manning refers to in Abba’s Child, the impostor. I do feel at this time that I’m gaining a foundation to build upon for the rest of my life about larger life questions and God.  To think, ponder, engage, have fun with, play with and be in awe about.  A third reason as to why I changed my grad track is that I’m exploring an entirely different program!  Counseling Psychology is something that has come up for me time and again and has moved so far as not to move out of my thoughts into action.  Having thought of this now in light of my new self, engaging with reality, honesty and humility, I’m actually excited to explore Masters programs in this area and take tangible steps in seeking this route perhaps!

I’m glad that many of you out there already have discovered your love for you life and are passionately pursuing it.  Way to go!  For me, I’m a little late bloomer, so in addition to humility and honesty, I’ve also had to give myself some grace.  Some people know what they want to do, and they do it.  Others seem to be on society’s career conveyor belt starting when a kid’s in kindergarten and pushing them to know what they want to do and asking them every step of the way.  This style doesn’t allow for exploration or active thought and engagement!  I think I was probably some hybrid or none.  Regardless, I hopped off the belt, walked along side of it with my college diploma tucked under my arm and rebelled.  I was a Whole Foods cashier, a server and a receptionist.  Those times were great as it gave me different perspectives on the “latter” and how people treated those on the “latter.”  It also created space to reflect about ways to engage with society without becoming disengaged and then a contributor to the conveyor belt of society: aimlessly moving a long…waiting for the day to be done so I can go home and watch TV.  Of course, there is nothing wrong with that as long is a person is content with that.  Although, there lies irony.

So today, I felt that full circle of growth since stepping off that belt.  I turned in my registration form with that last classes I needed to complete the Diploma of Christian Studies.  As I say hello once again to school up here, I also say a thank you for everything it’s taught me outside of class and look forward to finishing in December!

Life as we know it takes water and sunlight. Take my plants for example, one day without sun and my basil plant, that I purchased (all in German) from the market, or mini miniature rose plant slumps over looking quite pitiful. Perhaps come to think of it, they just miss me. When I came home from work today, I watered both under the kitchen faucet, cracked a window and hoped that the wind would help bring life to the suffering little plants as dusk set in. One can hope.

Often in life, I wonder how much “water” and “sun” I get. Sure, today I actually got neither in the literal sense. The only water I had at work was a half-sipped fruit tea, and sun…well, it rained and hailed. Besides, I was in the glamorous indoors fake-baking under the fluorescent lights. For whatever reason, call it the work zone or call it I-forget, I have to consciously remember to get my FDA prescribed eight cups of agua per dia. I’d love to remember more often as it’s good for me, and I do notice a difference. Ironically or not, the same goes for prayer. I need my the agua (and if you want to be cheesy, some sonlight).

Prayer can be a touchy subject, though, because first, whom do you pray to and second, what do you say? That is precisely the place to start. The God I know cares more about the heart than anything else, and a heart like that, is quite frank and honest. Heck, we all know when someone bullshits his or her way in conversation, I can only imagine how God can see like a laser through our crap – so why hide. As my dear friend M once said to her shit, “What the fuck do you want?” So I also take that stance here: confronting the past, our insecurities or desires to not run from it but run with it to our Abba. One who knows his child so intimately! So sweetly intimately even in the midst of heart wrenching pain, sheer joy or utter confusion. He’s right at the center experiencing it with us. Only if we would take notice for our sake! I do not say that as a remedy of some sort, but as a means to say that life can suck sometimes and why go through it alone when we can go through it with a God that knows us better than ourselves.

“Pray throughout the day!” Is what I hear sometimes, probably from myself half the time. Truth be told, there is something innate in me that forgets more than I’d like. I’m always quick on the draw in crisis or if something is stunningly gorgeous, but in the “everydayness” I would like to remember more. When I do remember whenever that maybe or whatever situation I find myself in, even if it’s to utter, “Lord, have mercy,” I feel better. Comforted rather in that I’m not alone, maybe lonely yes, because that inner part is known. It’s not a self-psychology kicking in here.

I often wonder, if it moves me, why there has to be an ebb and flow. Of course, I know the answer before writing the question: I’m the ebb and flow. It’s me. Today, I remembered him coming out of the bathroom for some reason. Who, in any relationship, would want to be remembered in times like that? I can say, that while I’m sure Abba (what I call God because he’s more like an intimate father-like figure to me), would love for me to engage in conversation or thought with him more throughout my day, I think he is excited when I do no matter when. I’d love to talk more to him, and I think that’s actually what he cares about anyways. Nothing formal, nothing all-prepped or a certain “allotted-time”, just the sincere heart uttering a prayer in the everydayness of life. I have another dear friend S who lost her best friend two and a half years ago, and all she could do with the pain from losing her mom was say, “God, I don’t have anything for you tonight. Good night.” That’s just the type of water Jesus gives us and thank God for that.

This is a year of firsts: my first time living in (not visiting) another country that sprechen another language besides Englisch, my first time driving in that country, my first time filming a documentary, tutoring a refugee family, first 10K (and second!), living on a farm (a smelly one with a rooster that thinks every minute is morning), my first blog, my first blog entry, and surprisingly, the list could go on. While I would like to think I am a free spirit as most friends label me as, truth be told, I am just as scared as everyone else when it comes to real adventures. I love them while at the same time know I get a little nervous if I ever really think about it.  This is probably an underlying reason as to why I don’t thoroughly in depth about my trips! I know there will be more firsts here in Germany, and even though I am still a little lonely here, I do look forward to those.

However, while I have traveled and experienced different trips, this one is different in yet another first type of way. On the plane ride here, I immediately found myself asking the question, “What am I doing?” Not because I am not up for an adventure or I don’t enjoy traveling, but because for the first time, I think I am falling for someone and that someone I just parted ways with a few minutes prior. This is my first relationship that I actually care about, romantically speaking, and spending the previous 15 days together probably did not help any good bye whether it’s parting ways to a different country or our respective states. As I sat on the plane, I went through my list that, just a few moments prior, had seemed so important:

1. Grasping German
2. Knowing Germany more since that is part of my heritage
3. Traveling Europe on the weekends
4. Finishing my prior job and having a short stint of work that paid (and yes, it is in Euros) before grad school come fall

Surprisingly, those all seemed quite dim as the illuminating light fell to the boy. They looked a bit more like this:

1. Grasping German
2. Knowing Germany more since that is part of my heritage
3. Traveling Europe on the weekends
4. Finishing my prior job and having a short stint of work that paid (and yes, it is in Euros) before grad school come fall

Ironic because I was never this way. Never had I recalled decisions or wished something else. I always sort of just knew. Now, I didn’t. I could tell my forehead was crinkled, and David, the head purser, probably wondered if I had STS as he introduced himself to me. To be honest, I also realized I already missed all the great and dear friends (sisters included in that). So what was the real reason for choosing to live alone in a small (and quaint) town in Germany that closes shop everyday at 6pm for sieben Wochen?

Perhaps the reasons mention previously are still reasons but growing dimmer as other reasons shine brighter which have a common element: time. Time to search my heart, time to Listen and pray about my life direction, time to continue and complete some of the firsts I started, i.e. my blog, German, edit (and finish) the doc, train for my first third 10K and perhaps, just perhaps…allow myself to open my heart further to fall if that be the case.

Tschüss!